Holding Space For Difficult Emotions

Me at 2 years old in Rome, Italy sitting on my dad’s lap, my older sister Maysoon on my right.

A few days ago I received a text message from two of my younger sisters in Yemen that my father is on his deathbed, and his death wish is to speak to me. As tragic as that is by itself, add to that, I have not been speaking to my parents or anyone from my family for more years than I can remember.

My traumatized brain blocked out my ability to speak my native tongue, Arabic. So as my sisters were texting me and leaving me a voice message in Arabic, I tried to open my mouth and not one word in Arabic would come out. I felt so ashamed responding to them in English in such circumstances, making the distance between us even vaster.

Feeling shook by the flood of intense emotions, I did what I knew best, I put my phone aside and fell back to the habits and rituals that I have established and that serve me well, especially under stress. I lit palo santo, made myself herbal tea, grabbed my journal and sat on my meditation cushion. I cried, wallowed, sobbed, screamed in such a primal way, like a little girl crying for her daddy. Then I opened my journal, grabbed my pen and started writing a letter to my father. As soon as I finished writing the letter, in which seemed like the speed of light, I read it back as I wiped the tears out of my eyes that were blurring my vision. I instantly knew that my dad had to know how I felt about him, so I typed it in a text and sent the letter to my sister so she could show it to him.

“To my dear father,

I know that you had a rough life, and that you cared deeply about us and wanted us to have a better life than you did. I am grateful for everything you have done for me. If there is any good in me, I know deep in my heart that it is because of you.

Life got really hard for me and I had to find a way out. It was the only way I could survive in this cruel world. I’m sorry, please forgive me.

I did not stop talking to you because I hated you. I did it because I wanted to find peace for my soul.

I love you, I forgive you and I hope that you find peace as well.

Love,

Your Daughter Maha”

I kept asking my soul, what is the learning here? What can I learn about myself, and about life? How can I open and soften to this pain instead of resist and resent it? In other words, not become a victim of it. Then the lesson showed up for me, it became crystal clear to me that I have designed my entire personality and lifestyle as a reaction to old wounds. When life gets overwhelming, I curl up in my shell and retreat within, like the sea turtles I saw in Tulum. I block people out of my life in an effort to protect myself. It was an outdated coping mechanism that is no longer applicable and no longer serves me in a positive way.

There is no reason for me to hide anymore. I choose to participate in this beautiful and very short life that we have. I am no longer a hopeless little girl from Yemen. I have laid out the groundwork for me to be safe, and I know how to take care of myself in any situation, in a healthy, loving and confident way. I choose love over fear, and I choose it every time!

I spent the following days giving myself space to grieve and process these intense emotions. I did not resist any urge to cry whether in public or private. I reached out to all of my friends and spoke openly about the experience and how it made me realize how short and valuable life is. I apologized to those whom I unnecessarily blocked out of my life. Most importantly, I stayed aware to the fact that the mind can be an evil master or a faithful servant, I was very mindful of not letting my thoughts run wild and my thinking mind take over. I stayed grounded in my body, and present to each moment as it unfolds by doing some gentle yoga practices and body scan meditations.

The Buddhists believe in the cycle of samsara , which is the cycle of birth, life, death and rebirth. According to the Buddha the First Noble Truth is, all life involves suffering. All humans go through suffering and they cannot do anything about it. Instead, they have to accept and learn from it. 

The Buddha also has a parable about dealing with suffering more skillfully, called The Second Arrow. The idea suggests that any time you suffer misfortune, two arrows fly your way. Being struck by the first arrow is when life throws you the challenging event, it is usually something out of your control and it is painful. Being struck by a second arrow is even more painful but is within your control. Meaning the second arrow is how you react to the first. The second arrow is optional. Challenges are necessary for the evolution of our species. The poet Rumi said “the wound is where the light enters you”. 

The invitation is to give yourself permission to feel difficult emotions when they arise, and at the same time not be taken by them. By holding space for yourself when dealing with suffering, you are nurturing yourself, just as if you would with a wounded innocent little child. The human brain naturally has a negativity bias, it is wired to protect you from danger. One of the definitions of meditation is, to see things as they truly are. When you sit quietly within, you are able to see things more clearly and process suffering in a more healthy way. Breathe and always know that, this too shall pass. Allowing the experience to transform you and turn into post traumatic wisdom, instead of stress.

May you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be at peace…